Ispossiblyprofound

I come to the end of 2022, in a Pilate frame of mind. Frankly, washing my hands of the past two years is more what I feel.  Having dealt with health issues for the past two years has left me drained. We have found answers to stomach issues that I had never heard of and have learned to live within. Giving up things that bring joy and still treating myself when the moment arrives has been a lesson learned. There are many things that I should not eat, things that leave me wishing I hadn’t, yet knowing a treat is just that… a treat. Sugar is the enemy I've learned to embrace and realize not everything sugar free tastes like crap… LOL!! So, for two years I have learned to and lived with remarkably well with something referred to as CSID (Congenital sucrase-isomaltase deficiency). Dealing with CSID has left me considerably down in weight, a loss of energy, but NEVER a will to survive. Some pain is worth the joy!  In walks cancer. Cancer changed all of what I had begun to know. You d...

I begin this reading in gratitude for the many encouraging words, thoughts of love, and blessing of prayer afforded me during these past months. You have been appreciated and are loved in return. I remain faithful in prayer yet cautiously optimistic. Today, in great faith and hope, we move into what is to be my last chemotherapy treatment. It has from the start been my goal to remain positive as I traverse this journey. Within many unspoken words, deep breath’s, tears, gentle touches, and silence in presence, we have found our way even within this unknown. I am so thankful for the love of my best friend and husband, who has, even in those moments where there were no words to speak, his love has shown in his eyes, felt in his touch, and has been known to be what has afforded me the strength needed to see every new day with hope and joy. We have said all along, we got this…. Today, we see an end.  As I prepare for this last treatment, I will use the experience of the past to make mys...

As you arise from slumber, whether the internal alarm or that resounding cacophony, remember, You are loved. As you reflect upon the vision of your first impression, remember, You are loved. As you take your place in line with the other ants, take a deep breath and remember, You are loved. As you meet that person whose patience may be waning and despair may be greater than they ever imagined, fill your words with kindness and remember, they like you are loved. We all carry burden greater than the another may know. You have yours, I have mine…  Remember, You are loved!

It’s interesting how the day’s that make up the week leading to treatment are an incredible reminder of how it was and what is to come. It often takes me several days now to put thoughts together that have meaning and reflection. I am finding comfort in this process as well. While the struggle remains, reality sets in, energy ebbs and flows, naps are more frequent than history would claim, words and tasks are met with fog and an amount of uncertainty, and the list of worries goes without saying. As I reflect on what has happened since this journey began, I see all that is to be seen, viewed with a new sense of self. I have struggled with my appearance my entire life. To see myself today, where I am physically, I question those years of self-destruction much regret. I have a stronger sense of self than I have had in a while and yet many moments of vulnerability. This too, is part of growth. Tomorrow is treatment day. I stand in amazement of what the physical body can endure. I am ready ...

Early on in this journey, a dear friend remarked that it must be hard not to have my Mother to share her understanding of my feelings and fear’s about what is going on. Little girls share their hearts with their mothers in a way that not only brings understanding but comfort and love as well. It is true, not having my mother to hold my hand during this process does bring sadness. We shared final goodbyes to Mother on Sunday, with a delightful reception filled with family and friends, who came to share stories, laughter, and love in her honor. She would have loved the day!  I have been blessed with many supportive women who have lifted me up along my journey in life. Not only for now but along the tales of time. I am fortunate to have my big sister, who I know would move mountains to ensure my safety and care. I have been blessed by cherished women who have taught, nurtured, mentored, and loved me along the way. These are the arms and love that surround me now and my heart trusts th...

There is a great deal of this journey that has left me flummoxed. I rise everyday with a goal to be brave and strong, to defeat the day with grace and determination. This is my code to life for everyday. That sounds like I’ve got it in the bag. Lol! Reality strikes again.  I have made two small solo endeavors in recent weeks but my guy has seen to most of my needs. I am blessed and thankful to have George at my side. Even the effort of the grocery store has proven to slow me up so I am grateful that his effort and heart is assuring that all my steps are guarded by his watchful eye. Bonus… arm candy! Lol! When people refer to chemo fog, trust they speak the truth. I had embarked on my first real solo adventure since my first treatment. I am excited to say the least! I began my adventure by assisting my sister with a lunch for the living center mother had spent the past 2.5 years of life. It is a small thank you to those who shared their caring hands and loving hearts. I will be fore...

Even when you know it coming… and then. Trust that I have been made aware of much of what is to come along this cancer journey. Yesterday, I noticed a few extra hairs in the sink. Today, they are clumps. You who know me well, know that my hair has steadily been closer to the scalp over the past few years. As I shared this new development with George this morning, my hero stepped up to the plate to say, “I got this, I’ll cut it for you!” What a gem! This has been hard for him as well. It is not easy to see someone you love and have cared with and about for a lifetime. My husband is a man of very few words. Though, when he does have something to say, it is always rich in thought and reflection. Hearing these words from his mouth in an attempt to ease my moment of anxiety are truly a balm to the heart. He wants to badly to take this all away and ease my pain. This simple gesture of love will last me a lifetime knowing it will be met with love from a heart so filled in the same. Today, we ...

and today I finally awoke out of the chemo fog. Still pain in my bones but I live with that shit every day. My labs were great. I am at 120.2 lbs and my white blood count was 3000 but can expect it to go up this coming week. She is addressing my meds for next round to include an extra day or two of the steroid to help keep off the pain and is also calling in something for my mouth and throat. She even noticed I sounded funny. It is that voice thing I get when I have a cold. Anyway, she said I looked good and was already onboard with what is next to come. She says she knows I’m gonna do great just because of my attitude. All in all it was a great visit. On to round two….. my next round is on September 14. My mothers memorial event in on the 18th, so my goal is to rest up and be prepared but be sure I'm strong enough to attend. We will have family there that day and I just can't miss. There is where the prayer request lies!!!  George has offed again to work, he was able to take m...

 Our emotions are real; the voice of knowledge that makes us suffer is not. Our suffering is true, but the reason why we suffer may not be true at all.

I confess, today was overwhelming for me yet a sense of peace as well. The new and unknown is never a calming place even on the best of days. Yet, upon walking in the door I felt cared for by hands and hearts, while tired of the load they bare, they attended with ears to listen and gentle with words shared.  Labs were first and I met Darrick and his assistant Sam for my first draw. Then off the the chair. They went over the hours plans with both of us then I sent George off for home. We knew it would be at least two good hours and all said and done we were at 2.5 for chair time. I had just stepped out the door and took a seat when George walked in.  I've come home with a injection patch for my white blood cells. Instructions for the days to come. I will likely begin to see a shift of energy and some physical pains over the weekend. George is off during this first round so we are aware of what to expect all the way round.  Thanks for the love and prayers today! You are app...

These past days have moved past quickly. I fear that in all the rush I missed a moment in time.  When first diagnosed it was weird not being able to share this most intimate moment with my mother. To know she would never understand the situation, never know to wrap her arms around me tenderly in an act of comfort, sharing an embrace that feels as though would never end, knowing that the one who kissed my hurts, calmed my fears, encouraged, taught, loved and only wanted love in return, would not be the hand to hold for a mothers comfort. Having watched her fade before my eyes has been a constant reminder of all that was to come. Not knowing that my fading from her memory would also mean that she would not be able to recognize that my heart was missing a mothers love. I have always known mother loved me and we met each other on a later life path of forgiveness and love in our own time. I am grateful and thankful for the time we have shared in love and laughter.  When my sister c...

Today I had my visit with the oncologist after the additional results were received. Ideally, my marker numbers should have been 26 or below. I am at 31. I will need chemotherapy that will last approximately 3 month with sessions every 3-4 weeks. Even the doctor seemed a bit deflated cause I think he also thought I would not have to have any chemo or perhaps this is just the way I see things. Regardless,  I begin again a new waiting process as we prepare. I have my education appointment next week with oncology to prepare me for what is to come. I am awaiting now to be scheduled with my surgeon to have a port placed and to assure that all the fluids have absorbed.  Not necessarily the results I/we we hoping but as with everything to date, I have felt prepared mentally for all outcomes. God is good and I am too!! Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated and sincerely felt and received!

  Dear ones, These past days have been ones of healing that was needed and time that has been blessed. Today, as my physical healing goes, I feel good. My scars are healing very nicely though I am still experiencing a small pocket of fluid. Fluid is common as I have stated before but as I examine the results daily, I mark time by puffiness. Tonight, after my all but abbreviated bath, I again say… looking good kid!! Today was a first real day of what I had hoped to be concerted effort toward work. And while I began the day with the best of intentions all became lost with endless calls with hold times, back and forth, still only to gain small results on matters of great importance. While we are forever grateful to the insurance institutions we forward much of our hard earned dollars toward, I still have little faith their interest is my best. I recorded 1:47 as the amount of time on the phone today with BCBS in an attempt to resolve only one matter. ONE! My conversations, all while p...

I have been afforded the luxury of great friendships. Those to which truth is the mark and word of the day. It is with loving thankfulness I find myself today. Being reminded that this is indeed is not my fault. That I do not have anything to feel guilty about any thing, that I should stand for myself against those who make my situation perhaps less than it should be and more of what it is too me, that I should not be ashamed of taking time to heal. Because this double mastectomy was indeed a certainly big thing!!

  Today is day 20 on a journey not complete. As I begin, I do so with appreciation and prayer for you and your love and care during these past days.  Journey... each to their own. This has become one of learning and understanding of oneself. It was said in the beginning to remember this is my story and while others want to share with good intention, listen with only a half opened ear. But in doing so I am understanding that yes, we each have a story of our own, we share with reflection of similar paths    and love. We share in hope that someone is listening. As I am walking Jake yesterday morning, I am greeted by my dear neighbor who had a similar surgery, who remarked that she must be a sissy cause she took three months off from work. She said she couldn’t believe where I was in this journey but strongly advised again to take it easy. She is a dear friend and I am listening. As the stories are shared, the common theme is self care, rest, and time.  These past y...

I keep asking myself, how am I supposed to feel? Today, I ask this question one more time.  On Friday past, day 16 of this event, was a day met with anxiety as I made a realization that morning that something was in my assessment, terribly wrong. I was certain that everything I had done up to this point was exactly as I have been instructed and yet something did not look right to me. The left breast which is the side the cancer was found was in my opinion… well something was not right. I brought it up to George and he took a look but wasn’t sure. I knew and the fear was setting in.  This day was my first oncology appointment since the procedure and I was aware that from all the surgeon had led us to believe, he had done his work well and that there was likely going to be little if any chemotherapy required. This was what I had trusted to be the case and was a direct relation to why I had chosen to have a double mastectomy if the first. I had been assigned Dr. Dawaod for my ens...

From Monday, July 18, 2022 at 12:32 pm  Officially… day 12. This journey has developed into… well a journey of words not expressed and those verbalized.  It has been my goal since the beginning of this journey to remain strong. I believe today I stand firm in this desire. As I continue this road of daily convalesce, I am again struck by one’s inability to perform even the simplest task. I am acutely aware my situation is mild compared to that of others and yet the simple act of combing my hair is a task. My hair is as short as is often but when you can’t raise your arms above you head… and with apologies I say…. It is often forgotten within the remembering that the teapot my be too heavy, that plate may seem like an easy push forward, that over the head is over the top, buttons are your friend, that walking the dogs will be different now and slow to begin, that driving comes again with time.  What’s strikes me most is how easy it is to not recognize all the good that has ...

Just checking in, Our yesterday was one of continued rest. George has returned to work this morning for the next 5 days then will be home for a few.  I have promised myself take it easy. Today, again I rest and do so with feet up and useless television to occupy my field of vision.  I will perhaps sit at the computer on Monday for a bit. I have some things for work require ease of effort. My boss is very agreeable to the process and am thankful for the support of my workmates! Each day is something new. I feel different yet the same, less but also more, clear headed with a focus on tomorrow, my heart continues to hold George up as he carries me as well. Tomorrow is a beautiful sight. I am thank for the blessings of friends, many prayers, best wishes, and all the love. 

Today was a good day for us. We celebrated with a little lunch at our favorite place and allowed for a much needed deep breath by both of us.   While we remain realistically optimistic, our appointment with the breast cancer surgeon was good news! He reviewed all the reports with us and was very pleased. Pathology revealed the right side negative for any cancer.  Left side 2.1 tumor removed with negative margins. 3 out of 3 negative lymph nodes. The incisions look great and there has been little or no drainage. The removal of the right side drain, which is opposite the side of cancer, was great and went relatively flawless. On the left, where the cancer was, I was still draining but went ahead with removal and hurt like a $@?!#€<¥+=!!! It drained heavily but slowed quickly leaving the nurse confident with instructions for days to come.  I chose to have both breast removed to help eliminate the need for radiation and at present my surgeon is confident that will not be a...

  Just checking in! Thank you for all the love and blessing sent our way. My sister was here yesterday and we watched a couple movies. It was nice. She has been a great support for us and are thankful to have had her so close. I am blessed by the love of long and dear friendships. Cathy Moore (Cathleen Van Egmond) and Ann Winters (Celia Winters), came to sit with me over the weekend. This too was a comfortable and pleasant way to spend time. Today, I am home alone. I am in need of a break today. My mind has been on full speed since diagnosis day and I seem to be nonetheless, any the less. So, George got me all settled in before he left for work this morning and I am content to just be. George is home for the next 3 days and we are both looking forward to taking a much needed long breath. This has been a very busy week as life and work continues regardless. Healing, from what our little minds can hold, looks to be coming along well. The drainage from the breasts continues but has be...

  I have been sick for 2 years. While this may not be the root cause to my other issues it is a cause. The Crohns was caught early and has become manageable and yet we still are working on that. I am down to 124 as of yesterday and now I just eat whatever whenever and as much as I can and just deal with the stomach issues as they come.   The fibromyalgia is a wrench in my life that I have learned to deal with but it has gotten worse. My pain has increased but I manage it as I have for years. My joints are suffering but not the worst of my issues.  I initially found a lump on the left side. It felt small but not right. My PA felt it right away and began the process for a mammogram and ultrasound. We had a bit of an insurance gap that held things but kept moving forward slow but sure. Both procedures were scheduled for May 17. From then till now I feel it has increased in size and tenderness.  During my visit and exam with the surgeon, we covered a great deal of inform...