Treatment #2

There is a great deal of this journey that has left me flummoxed.

I rise everyday with a goal to be brave and strong, to defeat the day with grace and determination. This is my code to life for everyday. That sounds like I’ve got it in the bag. Lol! Reality strikes again. 

I have made two small solo endeavors in recent weeks but my guy has seen to most of my needs. I am blessed and thankful to have George at my side. Even the effort of the grocery store has proven to slow me up so I am grateful that his effort and heart is assuring that all my steps are guarded by his watchful eye. Bonus… arm candy! Lol! When people refer to chemo fog, trust they speak the truth.

I had embarked on my first real solo adventure since my first treatment. I am excited to say the least! I began my adventure by assisting my sister with a lunch for the living center mother had spent the past 2.5 years of life. It is a small thank you to those who shared their caring hands and loving hearts. I will be forever thankful for that blessing.

Cindy was then on an away this weekend doing something she has given her heart to for years. She has loved being an Elk. Her dedication to her post as ER was evident in all she did for the club and she now shares that same dedication to her roll for the state of Colorado. I love being able to afford her time away and I get to watch her girls. It is also an opportunity for my dear friend, Cathleen to hang. She makes me feel safe and frankly right now, that powerful source on my team is good for the heart. 

What’s curious about this journey through breast cancer is the true eye opening affect it has on your life. Eye opening… no pun intended… I have always been an early riser. My day has begun at 4 for some time now and my eyes still open at 3:56 like clockwork, so as to silence the alarm before it is too alarming. This has been my routine for as long as I can remember. Mother’s voice plays along in my ear by about 7:00 reminding me that my day is half over. We joke about that in our house. This is one of my memories of mother that always makes my heart happy happy. And frankly by 7:00 it does feel like the day is half over. 

So what’s the big deal??

That 7:00 hour has now become more of an end than a beginning. My brain doesn’t think. I have the hardest time putting thoughts in order. This is not my nature. I am a girl with a plan every morning when my feet hit the floor. Not so much anymore. Even the smallest of daily tasks has become an event for me. I referred to chemo fog earlier and have been told that it is a real thing. Little did I know that many of the smallest tasks have now become something that requires great thought and planning. I am blessed with the ability to do small work projects for the Bridge from home but work has become hard for me as well. I do mostly mailings and correspondence, but I now find that as the thoughts are there, the words don’t always form. After my mastectomy, the task of maneuvering the mouse and the act of using a pen caused a feeling in my chest that in many ways I was not prepared for. There is something to be said the the human structure that we often take for granted. The brain is part of that magnificent structure that too is beyond understanding. 

One doesn’t imagine the extent of what is to come when traveling this journey. I now meet so many people who have either had or known someone who has had some type of cancer and with that they have something to share. Whether feelings felt before, during, and after, to all the little secrets to help ease the pain along the way, the gentle understanding of the bald head, the tears that are evident within a loss. So many have a story to tell that they share to either pave the way for you or share too find a personal peace. Perhaps, it is that personal peace that we are all seeking along this path and in that search is where the sharing brings peace.

I understand this too well. I have never seen myself as an over sharer. Yes, we all have a story to tell and want ours to be heard. No matter the path of the moment or the trial of the day, we all appreciate being heard. I think I’ve always been more of a listener. I will listen and acknowledge but I’m not really a sharer. I am learning now that what I have to share also makes those around see me for who I am and where I am in this journey. Life can sometimes is grander that we had ever imagined. You woke this morning burdened with a heavy load of something that can either overwhelm or overcome you. But you face the day with strength and determination that is not any different than that of my own. 

Remember we are all stronger that we know and braver that we think. As you continue to travel your path, I wish for you all the strength and heart you need to make it through. 

You’re doing great… We’re all doing great!!