Ispossiblyprofound

I begin this reading in gratitude for the many encouraging words, thoughts of love, and blessing of prayer afforded me during these past months. You have been appreciated and are loved in return. I remain faithful in prayer yet cautiously optimistic. Today, in great faith and hope, we move into what is to be my last chemotherapy treatment. It has from the start been my goal to remain positive as I traverse this journey. Within many unspoken words, deep breath’s, tears, gentle touches, and silence in presence, we have found our way even within this unknown. I am so thankful for the love of my best friend and husband, who has, even in those moments where there were no words to speak, his love has shown in his eyes, felt in his touch, and has been known to be what has afforded me the strength needed to see every new day with hope and joy. We have said all along, we got this…. Today, we see an end.  As I prepare for this last treatment, I will use the experience of the past to make mys...

As you arise from slumber, whether the internal alarm or that resounding cacophony, remember, You are loved. As you reflect upon the vision of your first impression, remember, You are loved. As you take your place in line with the other ants, take a deep breath and remember, You are loved. As you meet that person whose patience may be waning and despair may be greater than they ever imagined, fill your words with kindness and remember, they like you are loved. We all carry burden greater than the another may know. You have yours, I have mine…  Remember, You are loved!

It’s interesting how the day’s that make up the week leading to treatment are an incredible reminder of how it was and what is to come. It often takes me several days now to put thoughts together that have meaning and reflection. I am finding comfort in this process as well. While the struggle remains, reality sets in, energy ebbs and flows, naps are more frequent than history would claim, words and tasks are met with fog and an amount of uncertainty, and the list of worries goes without saying. As I reflect on what has happened since this journey began, I see all that is to be seen, viewed with a new sense of self. I have struggled with my appearance my entire life. To see myself today, where I am physically, I question those years of self-destruction much regret. I have a stronger sense of self than I have had in a while and yet many moments of vulnerability. This too, is part of growth. Tomorrow is treatment day. I stand in amazement of what the physical body can endure. I am ready ...

Early on in this journey, a dear friend remarked that it must be hard not to have my Mother to share her understanding of my feelings and fear’s about what is going on. Little girls share their hearts with their mothers in a way that not only brings understanding but comfort and love as well. It is true, not having my mother to hold my hand during this process does bring sadness. We shared final goodbyes to Mother on Sunday, with a delightful reception filled with family and friends, who came to share stories, laughter, and love in her honor. She would have loved the day!  I have been blessed with many supportive women who have lifted me up along my journey in life. Not only for now but along the tales of time. I am fortunate to have my big sister, who I know would move mountains to ensure my safety and care. I have been blessed by cherished women who have taught, nurtured, mentored, and loved me along the way. These are the arms and love that surround me now and my heart trusts th...

There is a great deal of this journey that has left me flummoxed. I rise everyday with a goal to be brave and strong, to defeat the day with grace and determination. This is my code to life for everyday. That sounds like I’ve got it in the bag. Lol! Reality strikes again.  I have made two small solo endeavors in recent weeks but my guy has seen to most of my needs. I am blessed and thankful to have George at my side. Even the effort of the grocery store has proven to slow me up so I am grateful that his effort and heart is assuring that all my steps are guarded by his watchful eye. Bonus… arm candy! Lol! When people refer to chemo fog, trust they speak the truth. I had embarked on my first real solo adventure since my first treatment. I am excited to say the least! I began my adventure by assisting my sister with a lunch for the living center mother had spent the past 2.5 years of life. It is a small thank you to those who shared their caring hands and loving hearts. I will be fore...

Even when you know it coming… and then. Trust that I have been made aware of much of what is to come along this cancer journey. Yesterday, I noticed a few extra hairs in the sink. Today, they are clumps. You who know me well, know that my hair has steadily been closer to the scalp over the past few years. As I shared this new development with George this morning, my hero stepped up to the plate to say, “I got this, I’ll cut it for you!” What a gem! This has been hard for him as well. It is not easy to see someone you love and have cared with and about for a lifetime. My husband is a man of very few words. Though, when he does have something to say, it is always rich in thought and reflection. Hearing these words from his mouth in an attempt to ease my moment of anxiety are truly a balm to the heart. He wants to badly to take this all away and ease my pain. This simple gesture of love will last me a lifetime knowing it will be met with love from a heart so filled in the same. Today, we ...

and today I finally awoke out of the chemo fog. Still pain in my bones but I live with that shit every day. My labs were great. I am at 120.2 lbs and my white blood count was 3000 but can expect it to go up this coming week. She is addressing my meds for next round to include an extra day or two of the steroid to help keep off the pain and is also calling in something for my mouth and throat. She even noticed I sounded funny. It is that voice thing I get when I have a cold. Anyway, she said I looked good and was already onboard with what is next to come. She says she knows I’m gonna do great just because of my attitude. All in all it was a great visit. On to round two….. my next round is on September 14. My mothers memorial event in on the 18th, so my goal is to rest up and be prepared but be sure I'm strong enough to attend. We will have family there that day and I just can't miss. There is where the prayer request lies!!!  George has offed again to work, he was able to take m...