Providence and time

These past days have moved past quickly. I fear that in all the rush I missed a moment in time. 

When first diagnosed it was weird not being able to share this most intimate moment with my mother. To know she would never understand the situation, never know to wrap her arms around me tenderly in an act of comfort, sharing an embrace that feels as though would never end, knowing that the one who kissed my hurts, calmed my fears, encouraged, taught, loved and only wanted love in return, would not be the hand to hold for a mothers comfort. Having watched her fade before my eyes has been a constant reminder of all that was to come. Not knowing that my fading from her memory would also mean that she would not be able to recognize that my heart was missing a mothers love. I have always known mother loved me and we met each other on a later life path of forgiveness and love in our own time. I am grateful and thankful for the time we have shared in love and laughter. 

When my sister called to let me know that mother had passed away, I was in the throws of a new despair and more of the unknown. I fear this may have been that moment missed. I had purposefully stayed away from the nursing home since my mastectomy. My being on the safe side has led me to see my recent goodbye to be the most treasured of many. She was gentle in her goodbyes that all ended with a sweet peck of the cheek and a tender worded I love you too, with wonder that makes the heart believe all the eyes can see. These are now my moments in time where we were last as one, if only for a moment. I am blessed by the love of my parents and thank God she is no longer in a place that didn’t feel like home and can now be surrounded by the arms of those she believed one day would rejoice in her coming home to heaven. I am thankful she is where her heart wanted to be. 

As love would have it, the kids from Wisconsin planned a long weekend get away to come together with arms of love wrapped around me. What a blessing and we were so excited for our time. That call about mother came on Tuesday and my thoughts began to shift to allow the kids their chance to say goodbye to Gran. I knew they too would want to come together to remember her while we were together. This time would have to complement our memories because I knew we would not likely be together for the planned celebration day in September. They were set to arrive on Friday around noon but as time would have it, the surgeon wanted to put my chemo port in on Friday. Again, shift in to action mode. I am blessed to have my sister here to call upon in my time of need and when I reached out to ask for help, her response was without question. Her place was to help me to allow for airport transportation. As time would have it, the first procedure of the day was cancelled to my benefit and once released from the hospital, I too was riding along in the car with bated and anticipatory breath to collect my precious cargo. The arrival was greeted with great smiles, hugs, and even a teary eye but what a joy it was to see those faces and know we were together. We shared an afternoon of lunch, drinks, laughter, and love at one of our favorite places. Thank you Cindy for sharing the day with us and for helping us once again maneuver hospital care and after treatment along this process. You have been a blessing to us and we but mostly I greatly appreciate you and your love.

Time moves again and brings the first heart that captured my heart, in the line of children. On Saturday, the arms of all three of my children wrapped me in their love for where I am at present on the journey of breast cancer and also as a mother who just knew loss. This too brought laughter and tears but love was the word of the day. We knew we were together and while our time would be short our job was to enjoy every minute and drink in the love shared. We again spent time with Cindy and had lunch and then enjoyed a pleasant afternoon on her porch, in each other’s company. It wasn’t long after our goodbyes in Canon, we were again saying goodbye and asked for text messages to ensure arrival had been made complete. One needed to make way north again to be with family. We were blessed beyond words that all of this came together and we shared our own moments of happiness brought together for a greater purpose meant to be viewed through eyes of those who loved her best. 

Sunday met with another family gathering for breakfast as my brother Kim and his wife Elizabeth joined us for breakfast then over to see our home and share a few more moments by the pool. We shared again in love and hugs then saw them off to their next destination. Cindy shared more of the sun with us and our day was again fulled with love. 

Monday was a bittersweet end to a gift given with great love to this mom and shared by many. As we came together to share love and memories for Gran it was also evident to me where my love lies. My children granted me a gift of love and respect that has not gone unnoticed.

Today as I prepare for all that is now to come, I have prepared a bag as a go bag for chemotherapy. My weight today is at 120.4, lower than hoped so I have been snacking a bit more today, albeit small portions but portions nonetheless. I have read and reread all that they want me to be aware. I have spoken to those who will greet me tomorrow as I arrive for my appointed time. I have prepared some things for the freezer and know that George will do well as preparation is always the word of my day. I have begun my medication and have marked those to come over the next few days. I am prepared and filled with confidence and all is in order and a greater hand is in control. Thank you family and friends for your continued love, thoughts, and prayers.

And so it begins.