Well this is the end of the first day of possibly many or even a few... i have tried to remain positive, consistent, hard, just... and right this moment I do not know how I feel... what I should feel... this is truly a place where I knew I was and yet decided to deny... the disease infests, inhabits, enables the distrust to enter behind a steady fast faith... no matter how distant the goal seems to be... the nearer desire... to want to be relived of a heaviness that can only be explained by the action of others... who have been placed in an environment of trust... misfortune... resort... lack of choice... so to end this day in a place of even more uncertainty... no different from the recent past... i wonder outloud... is this really what you had in mind for me... again...
It is hard waiting for the other shoe to drop... this can apply to so many areas of life... financial security... job security... health... children... family... all of these things are difficult enough in their own way... what is most difficult is waiting for another to twist the knife... we as human are such flawed creatures to begin with... with the three fingers that point back as we call out the failure of others... it is enough just to keep the eyes in the back of the head open wide to protect us from the inevitable... often we know that which is about to happen... yet there are times when we never see it coming... it is not always about doing what is right... it is more often about doing what is necessary that gets us into trouble... and there in lies the rub... we do what we feel to be right to make the wheel turn and others just can't bare the thought of not having control... whether gained or earned... and as the aftermath of what is left behind... the question remains......
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