To my children... have you at any time ever felt as though you have been loved enough... each in your own way you have been the loves of my life... in different times and in varied places... you have each been my one and only heart... my breath... my dreams... my possibility... my hope... my future... my every thing... tonight i read some thing from someone whom I have admired... misunderstood... accepted... trusted... prayed for and loved as a brother... I'm not convinced that the words were meant to belittle the office of parenthood... or in anyway suggest a lack of love for children... but i struggle as a former parent of a small one of my own three times full... but also as a friend of others... a care giver to other small ones... those that were close enough to be family... and those that became family from being a part of our home and family for days, months, and years to come... and having had a life outside of the recorded norm... let me say that without a doubt... your children are your own... they are not a chore... a drag... a burden... a bother... and most importantly an inconvenience... and for those times in life when in fact you are called to be more of the parent outside of the required duty... they are your children... trust... my moments were many... having become extreme enough to require that I return them to the care of their father so as to give them a better life... environment... security... but never a better love... my love for my boys has never waivered... they have always been a source of pride and joy... and i am privileged to stand here today with my feet firmly planted... and able to say... i have 3 true loves in my life... Jason Michael Huitt, Nathaniel Scott Huitt, and a joy to my heart, Alison Rhae Neubauer Moore... indeed my heart was more accessible to Alison, my heart was never more available to my children than when she was born... she as a daughter to a mother is a true delight... one that I never dared to dream come true... i home schooled her and created more memories ever imagined by those older brother's from a different father... and yet... as I look and think back... i remember details in my heart and asking myself about the memories and visions in my heart... and question... did any one ever truly feel loved enough... i find at these times of melancholy.... i am full of the love those three small hearts offered to me to at different times in a lifetime... i pray your hearts will never know this unspoken pain that I once felt from the flat of my feet to the split of my ends... but i value the life entrusted to me... especially in those chapters of unrest... you were and still are truly... with all that i am... loved... honored... cherished... valued... honored... trusted... admired... but most of all... loved... loved by a mother who... forever will be your biggest fan...
As I reflect on the past weeks I am taken by the fact that my hopes and dreams… while still big and positive… have again been placed into a reality that is… adjusted. This business of cancer is a difficult one. Once you think you have seen it all, you see a different view of life… once again. Let me begin by saying that I have been fortunate from the start for the care given by Rocky Mountain Cancer Center, those who work within the walls, those whose care is from behind a desk, and those who are never directly involved in my care but are there nonetheless, leaves you with NO doubt of the care given. I began my new medication on January 1st. This was used as a land mark day for reference and it just made sense as I seem to have difficulty with the order of my days. My new reality requires that I take a hormone blocker daily knowing that it will require a 5 possibly 10 year commitment. Edit in… the results of my bone density scan provided additional details, some that I was n...
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