Ispossiblyprofound

 I hope you can make peace with your ghosts. I hope to make that peace with my own.

Again, my head resounds in song. Who doesn’t love a Saturday. It has traditionally become that first day of the two we mark as time to refresh, to pay attention to the things that collect, resulting in two days that lend to very little relaxation and rest or if at best, they are rushed. So many have gone to a four day work week, which frankly makes a great deal more sense, but for many the tradition remains.  Recently, the question of the first record purchased came into my ear. I remember mine well. It was in fact “Saturday in the Park” by Chicago. I believe the purchase was made at the Woolworth store on Main Street, downtown Canon City, Colorado. Home to my fondest memories of a lifetime grown and remembered. One of the “olders” had a blue record player that I absconded with upon their moving. I believe it came from the male side of the family but who knows what I don’t actually remember. Anyway, the record came as a 45 rpm with a paper sleeve that I cherished. That first record...

As I reflect on those words, I smile and remember my mother. I grew up with mother saying these words about things that excited her and remember fondly the eye rolls and smiles we all began to share, when over the years, these words were spoken. This is a memory of my own but believe those who know best can affirm. Whether she was taken by a view that reflects great beauty, a scare, a happy event, news, just about any excitement you can name, mother would say, “It takes my breath away”. As life goes, we all have those moments that “take our breath away”. Whether that be something that brings joy or those moments that stop us in our tracks. Those are our moments. It is how we react to those moments, that become who we are. As we mold the event to fit the life we live, we create it to become what we need it to be or how it can bring us the greatest amount of peace. These events come in moments over a lifetime and grow from happenings as simple grade school play, a high school romance, ma...

I was in affect trained to mark time on a calendar. My siblings can attest. There are special days taught and those that become memories. I have come to a new stage in life where I mark time on the calendar as a reminder of what has been for what may be questionable later. I smile as I think these words.  I admired my mother for the years she kept a calendar of birthdays and events and was sure to give us a new one at each years end. This is not to say that I also likely rolled my eyes upon receiving. She marked time with ink on calendars but for the later years of life (in my recollection), after she and daddy settled into the Monroe house, she began to journal in books. She likely did it all her life for which I didn’t recognize until one year, as I was packing the car for a return trip to Wisconsin, she asked me to take two boxes of her journals. I reluctantly accepted thinking to myself…. well…. After many months and a few more days, I went through each book, not reading every ...

As I reflect on the past weeks I am taken by the fact that my hopes and dreams… while still big and positive… have again been placed into a reality that is… adjusted. This business of cancer is a difficult one. Once you think you have seen it all, you see a different view of life… once again. Let me begin by saying that I have been fortunate from the start for the care given by Rocky Mountain Cancer Center, those who work within the walls, those whose care is from behind a desk, and those who are never directly involved in my care but are there nonetheless, leaves you with NO doubt of the care given.  I began my new medication on January 1st. This was used as a land mark day for reference and it just made sense as I seem to have difficulty with the order of my days. My new reality requires that I take a hormone blocker daily knowing that it will require a 5 possibly 10 year commitment.  Edit in… the results of my bone density scan provided additional details, some that I was n...

I come to the end of 2022, in a Pilate frame of mind. Frankly, washing my hands of the past two years is more what I feel.  Having dealt with health issues for the past two years has left me drained. We have found answers to stomach issues that I had never heard of and have learned to live within. Giving up things that bring joy and still treating myself when the moment arrives has been a lesson learned. There are many things that I should not eat, things that leave me wishing I hadn’t, yet knowing a treat is just that… a treat. Sugar is the enemy I've learned to embrace and realize not everything sugar free tastes like crap… LOL!! So, for two years I have learned to and lived with remarkably well with something referred to as CSID (Congenital sucrase-isomaltase deficiency). Dealing with CSID has left me considerably down in weight, a loss of energy, but NEVER a will to survive. Some pain is worth the joy!  In walks cancer. Cancer changed all of what I had begun to know. You d...

I begin this reading in gratitude for the many encouraging words, thoughts of love, and blessing of prayer afforded me during these past months. You have been appreciated and are loved in return. I remain faithful in prayer yet cautiously optimistic. Today, in great faith and hope, we move into what is to be my last chemotherapy treatment. It has from the start been my goal to remain positive as I traverse this journey. Within many unspoken words, deep breath’s, tears, gentle touches, and silence in presence, we have found our way even within this unknown. I am so thankful for the love of my best friend and husband, who has, even in those moments where there were no words to speak, his love has shown in his eyes, felt in his touch, and has been known to be what has afforded me the strength needed to see every new day with hope and joy. We have said all along, we got this…. Today, we see an end.  As I prepare for this last treatment, I will use the experience of the past to make mys...

As you arise from slumber, whether the internal alarm or that resounding cacophony, remember, You are loved. As you reflect upon the vision of your first impression, remember, You are loved. As you take your place in line with the other ants, take a deep breath and remember, You are loved. As you meet that person whose patience may be waning and despair may be greater than they ever imagined, fill your words with kindness and remember, they like you are loved. We all carry burden greater than the another may know. You have yours, I have mine…  Remember, You are loved!

It’s interesting how the day’s that make up the week leading to treatment are an incredible reminder of how it was and what is to come. It often takes me several days now to put thoughts together that have meaning and reflection. I am finding comfort in this process as well. While the struggle remains, reality sets in, energy ebbs and flows, naps are more frequent than history would claim, words and tasks are met with fog and an amount of uncertainty, and the list of worries goes without saying. As I reflect on what has happened since this journey began, I see all that is to be seen, viewed with a new sense of self. I have struggled with my appearance my entire life. To see myself today, where I am physically, I question those years of self-destruction much regret. I have a stronger sense of self than I have had in a while and yet many moments of vulnerability. This too, is part of growth. Tomorrow is treatment day. I stand in amazement of what the physical body can endure. I am ready ...

Early on in this journey, a dear friend remarked that it must be hard not to have my Mother to share her understanding of my feelings and fear’s about what is going on. Little girls share their hearts with their mothers in a way that not only brings understanding but comfort and love as well. It is true, not having my mother to hold my hand during this process does bring sadness. We shared final goodbyes to Mother on Sunday, with a delightful reception filled with family and friends, who came to share stories, laughter, and love in her honor. She would have loved the day!  I have been blessed with many supportive women who have lifted me up along my journey in life. Not only for now but along the tales of time. I am fortunate to have my big sister, who I know would move mountains to ensure my safety and care. I have been blessed by cherished women who have taught, nurtured, mentored, and loved me along the way. These are the arms and love that surround me now and my heart trusts th...

There is a great deal of this journey that has left me flummoxed. I rise everyday with a goal to be brave and strong, to defeat the day with grace and determination. This is my code to life for everyday. That sounds like I’ve got it in the bag. Lol! Reality strikes again.  I have made two small solo endeavors in recent weeks but my guy has seen to most of my needs. I am blessed and thankful to have George at my side. Even the effort of the grocery store has proven to slow me up so I am grateful that his effort and heart is assuring that all my steps are guarded by his watchful eye. Bonus… arm candy! Lol! When people refer to chemo fog, trust they speak the truth. I had embarked on my first real solo adventure since my first treatment. I am excited to say the least! I began my adventure by assisting my sister with a lunch for the living center mother had spent the past 2.5 years of life. It is a small thank you to those who shared their caring hands and loving hearts. I will be fore...

Even when you know it coming… and then. Trust that I have been made aware of much of what is to come along this cancer journey. Yesterday, I noticed a few extra hairs in the sink. Today, they are clumps. You who know me well, know that my hair has steadily been closer to the scalp over the past few years. As I shared this new development with George this morning, my hero stepped up to the plate to say, “I got this, I’ll cut it for you!” What a gem! This has been hard for him as well. It is not easy to see someone you love and have cared with and about for a lifetime. My husband is a man of very few words. Though, when he does have something to say, it is always rich in thought and reflection. Hearing these words from his mouth in an attempt to ease my moment of anxiety are truly a balm to the heart. He wants to badly to take this all away and ease my pain. This simple gesture of love will last me a lifetime knowing it will be met with love from a heart so filled in the same. Today, we ...

and today I finally awoke out of the chemo fog. Still pain in my bones but I live with that shit every day. My labs were great. I am at 120.2 lbs and my white blood count was 3000 but can expect it to go up this coming week. She is addressing my meds for next round to include an extra day or two of the steroid to help keep off the pain and is also calling in something for my mouth and throat. She even noticed I sounded funny. It is that voice thing I get when I have a cold. Anyway, she said I looked good and was already onboard with what is next to come. She says she knows I’m gonna do great just because of my attitude. All in all it was a great visit. On to round two….. my next round is on September 14. My mothers memorial event in on the 18th, so my goal is to rest up and be prepared but be sure I'm strong enough to attend. We will have family there that day and I just can't miss. There is where the prayer request lies!!!  George has offed again to work, he was able to take m...

 Our emotions are real; the voice of knowledge that makes us suffer is not. Our suffering is true, but the reason why we suffer may not be true at all.

I confess, today was overwhelming for me yet a sense of peace as well. The new and unknown is never a calming place even on the best of days. Yet, upon walking in the door I felt cared for by hands and hearts, while tired of the load they bare, they attended with ears to listen and gentle with words shared.  Labs were first and I met Darrick and his assistant Sam for my first draw. Then off the the chair. They went over the hours plans with both of us then I sent George off for home. We knew it would be at least two good hours and all said and done we were at 2.5 for chair time. I had just stepped out the door and took a seat when George walked in.  I've come home with a injection patch for my white blood cells. Instructions for the days to come. I will likely begin to see a shift of energy and some physical pains over the weekend. George is off during this first round so we are aware of what to expect all the way round.  Thanks for the love and prayers today! You are app...

These past days have moved past quickly. I fear that in all the rush I missed a moment in time.  When first diagnosed it was weird not being able to share this most intimate moment with my mother. To know she would never understand the situation, never know to wrap her arms around me tenderly in an act of comfort, sharing an embrace that feels as though would never end, knowing that the one who kissed my hurts, calmed my fears, encouraged, taught, loved and only wanted love in return, would not be the hand to hold for a mothers comfort. Having watched her fade before my eyes has been a constant reminder of all that was to come. Not knowing that my fading from her memory would also mean that she would not be able to recognize that my heart was missing a mothers love. I have always known mother loved me and we met each other on a later life path of forgiveness and love in our own time. I am grateful and thankful for the time we have shared in love and laughter.  When my sister c...

Today I had my visit with the oncologist after the additional results were received. Ideally, my marker numbers should have been 26 or below. I am at 31. I will need chemotherapy that will last approximately 3 month with sessions every 3-4 weeks. Even the doctor seemed a bit deflated cause I think he also thought I would not have to have any chemo or perhaps this is just the way I see things. Regardless,  I begin again a new waiting process as we prepare. I have my education appointment next week with oncology to prepare me for what is to come. I am awaiting now to be scheduled with my surgeon to have a port placed and to assure that all the fluids have absorbed.  Not necessarily the results I/we we hoping but as with everything to date, I have felt prepared mentally for all outcomes. God is good and I am too!! Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated and sincerely felt and received!

  Dear ones, These past days have been ones of healing that was needed and time that has been blessed. Today, as my physical healing goes, I feel good. My scars are healing very nicely though I am still experiencing a small pocket of fluid. Fluid is common as I have stated before but as I examine the results daily, I mark time by puffiness. Tonight, after my all but abbreviated bath, I again say… looking good kid!! Today was a first real day of what I had hoped to be concerted effort toward work. And while I began the day with the best of intentions all became lost with endless calls with hold times, back and forth, still only to gain small results on matters of great importance. While we are forever grateful to the insurance institutions we forward much of our hard earned dollars toward, I still have little faith their interest is my best. I recorded 1:47 as the amount of time on the phone today with BCBS in an attempt to resolve only one matter. ONE! My conversations, all while p...

I have been afforded the luxury of great friendships. Those to which truth is the mark and word of the day. It is with loving thankfulness I find myself today. Being reminded that this is indeed is not my fault. That I do not have anything to feel guilty about any thing, that I should stand for myself against those who make my situation perhaps less than it should be and more of what it is too me, that I should not be ashamed of taking time to heal. Because this double mastectomy was indeed a certainly big thing!!